I am an only child, so I learned to do things on my own a long time ago. There are times though that I would like to experience that synergy, that great flow of energy, when a group of like-minded individuals get together and feed off of each other. I have been lucky enough to have experienced it before on artistic collaborations. Those experiences were extremely challenging on an emotional level. Right now, I am excited about meeting people who are stronger than me, smarter than me, more positive and more motivated than me. I like seeing how other people go about their task of being excellent.
There always comes a time in the process when we plateau or run out of steam. I have managed to be strong for myself on several occasions, but I still look forward to having someone to lean on. In my quest to connect, I have partnered up with people who have voiced the desire to make change in their lives. That resonates with me profoundly. I get excited and happy form them because I know how it is to want to make progress in life, but not know where to start or have someone with whom to share the experience.
This year, I spent more than $100 on friends who said they want to make change in their lives. That might not sound like a lot of money, but considering my current financial situation, I would say it was a foolish decision. I wanted to encourage my friends and in return be motivated by their successes. Unexpectedly, what I began to hear is how hard it is.
I have been doing this for four years now. My first year, I kicked myself in the ass and said to myself that the minimum I expected from myself was to check in daily with my goals and weekly requests. With my minimum set, I hit the mark 85% of the time. By year two, I had a discipline and the idea in my mind that this is a life or death situation. I do not want to die inside because I do not try. I do not want my dreams to die because I crawled up in a corner to cry and feel sorry for myself.
I have learned through my friends and accountability partners that I cannot afford to try and help anyone else, if I cannot help myself. No matter how lonely it gets on this journey, I have to stay strong for me. There have been times when I spent so much time trying to encourage and motivate my partners that I failed to nurture myself. I find it mind-boggling that the more I reached out to help and encourage, the more resistance I received. I learned to step back, take care of me, and in some cases, just keep it moving. I feel bad for doing that, but I understand that sacrificing me does not help anyone, least of all me.
Yet, I see other groups of people who get along well, and seem to thrive as a group. I wonder what is it about me that disrupts the kind of unity I would like to experience. I know that I bring a certain element of conflict. I like to challenge people. I also like to say things that make people uncomfortable because I feel that once we, as humans, step outside our polite facades we are our most authentic. Sometimes people like to compete with me. I try to avoid the competition, but I don't mind it if it makes things interesting. All of those natural human emotions like jealousy, inferiority, and competition are fine with me. My personal process is to internally confront those feelings and turn them into what they should be: self-motivation, happiness for my partners as they are an extension of me, and a measure of what is possible in my life.
I never hold back on feeling good about someone else's success, for to do so would diminish the chances of my own success. In an ideal world, I would find my tribe of people who have a strong commitment to improving themselves to the exclusion of feelings or thoughts that enable progress. Yes, it gets hard. Yes, some days writing a word is like stabbing myself in the eye. Yes, my heart sometimes feels it is being squeezed hard when a friend achieves something I want. Guess what? I keep moving forward. In my mind, I fight those thoughts and feelings like I am Muhammad Ali. I am a bad ass bitch and I have things to do other than sit around being punked by my fears.
I'm in search of other warriors who are in the daily fight to beat down the thoughts and emotions that seek to destroy us. You want to join this army? Are you bad enough?
Don't get the wrong idea. I am a compassionate person; sometimes I have to unleash my woman warrior. Thank you for reading.
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