When I was three, I was at a pool party with my grandparents. It was a wonderful night; there were all kinds of people and, incredibly, they noticed me and made me feel special. There was a magic show, and I remember having a front-row seat with my grandparents. The Magician picked me to participate in his act, and when I was about to approach him, my grandmother pulled me back. Her action was imperceptible to everyone but me. No one understood why I did not go forward; I was confused and did not know what to do. All I knew was that my grandmother’s action led me to believe that I should not participate. The magician chose a half-dozen other kids; I watched as they received prizes, toy balloons and had the best time I had ever seen kids have. That disappointment set so deep inside of me.
Throughout my life there were so many times that I hesitated and was passed over. Every time that feeling of disappointment and sadness seethed inside of me. There were times, however, that I was able to bypass that programming and act. The swim instructor challenged me to jump from the 12-foot diving board into the deep end of the olympic-size pool. The only hesitation there was, was me telling myself to go for it. It took years for me to become comfortable acting without hesitation. My first impulse is still to stop and wait before I do anything or make any decision. I have to consciously keep myself present and ready to act.
One day, I want to be able to respond to the situation or request without hesitation and without doubt. I work to stop beating myself up about that flaw. Instead, I try to approach this condition of hesitation another way--turn every experience into an adventure. I challenge myself daily to live fully, boldly and without fear. The world has become my amusement park. There is a thrill waiting around every corner and every situation as long as I live up to the challenge of no hesitation.
