Problem? What Problem?

     The wonderful thing about aging is the discovery that there are infinite opportunities to learn and grow.  My latest epiphany was the realization that the only problems that exist are the problems I perceive in my mind.  I was going to an event and I knew that I was going to see an individual there. In my mind, I created an entire scenario and became agitated at the thought of attending the event. Luckily, I stopped myself before I went in and I determined to keep an open mind. Once inside the event, I inevitably ran into the person I dreaded seeing, and that person was who he always is. The difference was that I chose not to accept it as a problem. It did not affect me because I did not allow it to. As simple as that.

     Have you ever tried to disappoint yourself before anybody else could? Sure you have. Whenever you predict that someone will turn you down or reject you, you just did it for yourself before anybody else could.  People who are used to disappointment often hurt themselves before others can or they prepare themselves for disappointment before encounters to alleviate the hurt they believe they will experience.  I became aware of this and the affect of this self-sabotaging habit on my relationships.  I have to be aware of my thoughts and stop myself when I begin to prepare for imagined disappointment.

     To overcome this habit, I also have to re-live unpleasant memories of the times I have been profoundly hurt and disappointed. I remember and observe the child I was and understand the incident as an adult. I work through it for as long and as many times as I have to so that the pain is appropriately placed, in the past. When I was a toddler, I remember how my mom would get dressed to go out. It was so exciting to see her look so glamorous, but that heart-wrenching feeling of sadness as she walked out the door broke my heart. I always felt left behind and rejected. All my life I carried the dread of people leaving me behind. I began leaving people before they could leave me. I would go to events and leave early every time. When I go to church, I leave early. Friends never have to tell me to leave because I am out before we even get comfortable. I am so good at leaving relationships that I call myself an escape artist. Not funny at all.

     How do I change this habit? How do I release myself from this prison? I train my mind to see solutions, not problems. I approach life as if every situation will work out in my favor...even after someone says no...even after it does not have the result I imagined. What I have come to appreciate is that when a situation appears one way, it is actually unfolding beyond my control to result in a greater blessing and a divine circumstance than I could have ever created on my own.

     We experience disappointment and hurt feelings when we hold on to our thoughts of how things should be.  We cannot get stuck on the way we think it should be; we have to let go and work with the way things are. If the way things are does not serve us, we do not have to entertain it.  We do not have to accept another person's negativity.  All we can do is acknowledge the issue and focus on solutions. That is the key. The current state of being may not be our ideal but the only way out is to keep our minds focused and engaged in the answer to the issue. It is not a problem until our minds identify the experience as such.

THE VISION

 

The social climate in the US is scorching. People are rightfully passionate, and even angry. Some of us have taken to the streets, while others are putting their minds together on social media and in meeting rooms to strategize the next steps in the struggle.  The important discussion to have with ourselves and with each other is, if what is happening in our society is what I do not want, then what do I want to see in its place?

We get so caught up reacting to what it is that we do not want, that we give little or no energy to thinking about what it is we really want to experience.  If we do not do the work of planning to successfully change injustice with what we need, then we should expect very little to no change.  Besides, investing precious energy and time in solutions is much more productive than complaining or becoming a victim.

Can we allow ourselves to see the reality we want and free ourselves from the paralyzing images played out on the television? Some people find it difficult to entertain the thoughts and mental images they truly desire; they even resist.  We are so comfortable saying what we do not want or do not like, but sometimes articulating what we want or receiving what we want can be challenging.  When we see situations that we do not like or experience feelings that make us feel uncomfortable, our first reaction has to be to immediately hold the image in our minds of what it is we want.

The vision I have is:

• a world where ALL people are treated with respect and dignity
• a world where EVERY child grows up feeling loved and protected
• a world where women and elders are valued
• a world where the greatest conflict we witness are people’s personal struggles to free themselves of  mental and spiritual bondage

I don’t want to use the word daydream, but I encourage the imagining and the visioning that allows our minds to create what may not be in front of us.  We cannot afford to remain locked in the nightmare created by megalomaniacs who program us through broadcast television and cable/satellite shows.  The world’s greatest natural resource is our minds.  No one person can lead us to the promised land.  We individually and collectively have to have a vision that begins when we hold the thought and image in our minds.

I believe in you.  I believe in the infinite potential of the majority of people in this world who desire peace.



FORGIVENESS

I took some time off, not from the vision, but the blog.  At first I beat myself up about it.  Then I realized that, although I deserved it, being hyper critical of myself in the situation was not going to illicit the kind of results I need right now.   The break was a necessary part of the process.  I struggle with the discipline of consistency. I forgive myself and move on, vowing to not repeat the cycle.

 

 

Some perceived setbacks are necessary incubating periods. Even to me that sounds like a crock of fooey.  As disappointing as it is to lose momentum and be inconsistent, there is only so much time I can spend beating myself up about it before I have to decide to move forward.  In the process, I chose to love myself through the experience.

 

 

With a military dad and a mother who had a military dad, the consequences of not meeting standards always involved a certain amount of yelling and punitive actions.  Throughout my adult life, I have played and replayed those admonishing voices in my head.  No one has ever been more critical of me than myself thanks to mom and dad.  However, I appreciate the distance it has brought me in life, but I recognize that this inner process is outmoded and needs to be adjusted.

 

That eight year-old in me, the one that works so hard to do things right and please those around me, needs to be motivated differently.  When I do not meet my expectations, I will encourage myself to stand up straight and try again.  I will smile at that little girl who bows her head in disappointment of failure and engulf her in love and acceptance.  Finally, what I have learned is that perfect execution is not necessarily the goal, it is the effort and the intention of NEVER bowing to defeat which is the ultimate achievement. Winning, being first, having success the way others experience it may not be my process.  I will keep trying in the way that I know how.  I am sure I will eventually make it to the model of success that is tailor-made for me.  I thought it would happen sooner in my life, yet I get the feeling that I am learning so much more from this journey that I have chosen.  My mantra is “As long as I’m living, I’m going to keep working toward the vision.”

I forgive myself for not working harder, for lying down in defeat, for feeling sorry for myself and for being lazy.  I do not excuse it. I recognize it and choose this moment to do something about it.  And so it is.

BE BOLD LIVE LIFE

 

     When I was three,  I was at a pool party with my grandparents.  It was a wonderful night; there were all kinds of people and, incredibly, they noticed me and made me feel special.  There was a magic show, and I remember having a front-row seat with my grandparents.  The Magician picked me to participate in his act, and when I was about to approach him, my grandmother pulled me back.  Her action was imperceptible to everyone but me.  No one understood why I did not go forward; I was confused and did not know what to do.  All I knew was that my grandmother’s action led me to believe that I should not participate.  The magician chose a half-dozen other kids; I watched as they received prizes, toy balloons and had the best time I had ever seen kids have.  That disappointment set so deep inside of me.

 

    Throughout my life there were so many times that I hesitated and was passed over.  Every time that feeling of disappointment and sadness seethed inside of me.  There were times, however, that I was able to bypass that programming and act.  The swim instructor challenged me to jump from the 12-foot diving board into the deep end of the olympic-size pool.  The only hesitation there was, was me telling myself to go for it.  It took years for me to become comfortable acting without hesitation.  My first impulse is still to stop and wait before I do anything or make any decision.  I have to consciously keep myself present and ready to act.

 

    One day, I want to be able to respond to the situation or request without hesitation and without doubt.  I work to stop beating myself up about that flaw.  Instead, I try to approach this condition of hesitation another way--turn every experience into an adventure.  I challenge myself daily to live fully, boldly and without fear.  The world has become my amusement park.  There is a thrill waiting around every corner and every situation as long as I live up to the challenge of no hesitation.

 

 

BALANCE

 

     Sometimes the greatest obstacle to our success may not be in our heads.  There are circumstances that we are unaware of at times that may contribute to the inertia in our lives.  The state or quality of balance is essential to our ability to move forward: balance of bio-chemicals, balance of emotions, balance of checkbook.

 

 

 

    For years I have dealt with anemia to one degree or another.  Anemia happens to be the imbalance or deficiency of iron from one’s system.  I was aware that anemia caused one to feel fatigued, but I never associated that condition with depression.  For months I have been struggling with trying to get things done in my life, but I just did not feel like it.  I have beat myself up mentally for not completing my projects on time, and I’ve harbored guilt about the physical feeling of not having energy.  I have been to the doctor, but never has my doctor advised me about or inquired about my mental/emotional well-being.

 

 

 

    Despite the oversight of my healthcare provider, I am taking action in creating more balance in my life.  The daily dose of iron has done wonders.  Once I complete a detox, I will be restored to my former greatness.  Exercise and diet, of course, are essential to daily emotional wellness.  There are holistic ways of coping with depression that do not require mood altering drugs.  Meditation is also a practice that can help create balance and peace in our lives.  If you feel stuck in your life and you know you have, and are willing, to do the work then there is a possibility that there is a health issue that needs to be addressed.

SHOW UP

I learned a valuable lesson seven years ago.  I signed up for a yoga teacher training course in hopes of building a stronger spiritual practice and maybe teaching at some point.  Right after our first meeting, my mother passed away.  It was a life-altering experience, just  a year and a half after the birth of  my son.  Needless to say, I thought that the best thing for me to do would be to discontinue the class because I knew I had no inclination to complete the assignments.

    When I spoke with my teacher Krishna Kaur Khalsa, she smiled sweetly and told me that I will not drop out.  I was appalled.  I wanted to feel sympathy and, dare I say, pity.  With  a great deal of attitude I  told her I could not promise that I would complete any of the assignments. Krishna told me, “Just show up.”

I was aware enough in my journey to understand that my extreme circumstances would warrant extreme measures of coping, so I submitted to her suggestion.   For the first couple of sessions,  all I did was sit on my mat in the back of the class.  At that time in my life, my spiritual reservoir was empty.  There was very little I felt I could contribute, but I showed up.

Meeting after meeting I showed up.  The 40 day Sadhana exercise was a killer but I showed up at 4:00am for that too.  The cold shower, the hour and a half to two hour asana and meditation were uncomfortable but welcome distractions from the pain and loss I was feeling.  The moments that brought joy to me were when my then three year-old son would start singing the mantras to me or sitting with me in meditation.  He was watching me and he was with me on that journey.

Showing up culminated in my passing the written exam. I had no idea how I knew most of the information.  Showing up set a new standard in my life for consistency and discipline that surpassed anything that I had practiced up to that point.  Showing up revealed to me that the intention is what it most important. Effort is great, but there are times when a transformation can take place effortlessly once one relaxes and submits to God.

  

    From time to time I have students who are overwhelmed and frustrated because of internal and external challenges.  For those who truly have a desire to change and grow, I encourage them to continue to show up and do what they can.  Most of the time it works.  It usually does not only when they continue to resist and struggle with situations out of their control.

In my life, I feel a sense of peace when I know that as long as I keep showing up to be the best version of myself, what is for me will present itself.

 

HEALING: YOU CAN’T GET TO THE MOUNTAIN-TOP WITHOUT GOING TO THE VALLEY

 

 

     This past week presented me the opportunity to share in the transformational experiences of sisters in my community.  It has been in the forefront of my consciousness that there are numbers of people who are hurting, yet our society encourages us to present our strong and happy fronts at all times.  Even the articles in this blog focus primarily on staying connected with the power within us.  Truth be told, we never know the true power until we allow ourselves to be weak.

     I am glad and proud that these women were brave enough to be vulnerable, to bare their souls so that they may begin to heal.  Everyone has a story and a struggle.  Not to diminish anyone’s experience, but no matter how rich, poor, aesthetically ideal or not, the challenges we face are relative to our threshold for growth and the accompanying discomfort.

     Before I became a fierce warrior woman, I routinely fought depression.  My childhood left scars that I did not know how to begin to heal for the longest.  By sheer will fueled with anger, I managed to accomplish far more than anyone thought I could.  When the anger no longer became useful, I participated in psychological counseling.

     Thankfully, my mother was available to facilitate my healing.  On several occasions, she would help me remember the details of my childhood that I had blocked out.  She was there to apologize and make me look at the rage eye to eye.  My dad too has been open and useful in walking with me down that emotional path I reluctantly go.  I realize that everyone does not get blessed with parents who make themselves available to that healing process and atone for the contributions they make.

     What I have learned is that healing begins with forgiveness.  It did not take me long to realize that I am forgiving myself for holding on to people, thoughts, and emotions that do not serve me.  No matter how wrong my parents were, they were entirely at liberty to extend to me an apology, or not.  I was freed from a mental prison when I released them.  I came to the understanding that they did the best they could under the circumstances.  They were growing up too and made quite a few mistakes, but their intentions were honorable.  From that experience, I become a stronger more resilient young woman.   

     Consider for a moment, before this modern era and industrialization, people relied on healers, ritual, and family to heal their feelings or emotions.  There was far more touching in the form of laying on of hands, hugging, holding hands and such.  People did rituals that brought together the unseen to influence the seen world in a way that made sense to them.  More often than not, there was always someone around: family members in multigenerational households, friends and community.  This new world made us fiercely independent and often alienated from ourselves.  These days we rely on psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and life coaches to connect us to the answers that lie within us.  Interestingly enough, our modern support systems all come at a monetary cost.  Few people trust their families or friends.  The courts are filled with families who fight bitterly.

     My heart goes out to those individuals who find themselves locked into a personal hell of their past.  From my vantage point all they have to do is let go.  I let go and stopped regretting a past I did not have control over.  I let go of feelings about situations that I could not logically take responsibility for.  I let go of thoughts, reactions, and emotions that did not match my current living situation.  It is easier said than done.  It takes practice, it takes bravery and it takes strength.

     Guess what?  Many people have had truly traumatic experiences and have found a way to grow and excel beyond the expectations of the people and environments who limited them.  I used to think about the ancestors whose lives were not their own, who suffered at the whims of people who tried to rob them of their humanity.  I think of the ways they triumphed despite the daily attack on their spirit and psyche that told them they were nothing and would remain nothing.  Those ancestors somehow reared generations of people who became leaders, innovators, visionaries and catalysts of change around the world.

     I figured, if Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass had the spirit to overcome physical and mental obstacles, I could accomplish some of the same with more resources.   

BE YOUR OWN LIFE COACH

When the new year begins, I'm so excited about the goals I set and the possibilities I see in my mind's eye. During a good year, I don't hit the blahs until around May/June. This year caught me struggling to remain positive about the struggle as soon as February.

 

Resolution Revolution SNL Skit

Think about it. What is it that is really keeping us from accomplishing our goals? Short of someone physically preventing us from moving forward, there is NOTHING stopping us from doing what we want with our lives.

No money? Find a way to make it.

No resources? Ask someone or seek out the people who can point in the right direction.

No education? Go to the library.

No clue? Ask somebody.

No energy? Eat right.

Bad health? As long as there is life, there is another opportunity to share the thought so that something can be done with it.

I can go on, but I will not.

For every excuse there is a solution. At the end of the day, our thoughts and our feelings about our situation provide the obstacles. Please accept this: WE ARE WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ALLOW OUR THOUGHTS OR OUR FEELINGS TO PUT US HERE. Consider this scenario: I woke up this morning and when I thought about all of the things I need to do and the the problems I have to address, I felt defeated. I was tired even before I got out of bed. I asked myself "what is the point?" My grandfather asked me what am I going to do, my checking account is close to $0 and none of the employers I reached out to have responded. All day I thought about it and tried to figure out what to do. I got on the phone and talked about it to my friend who was having similar challenges. By the time I put my son to bed, I was mentally and physically exhausted but had done very little.

The problem with the above scenario is that there was no mention of waking up with a sense of gratitude for having another opportunity to get it right, despite what might have happened the day before. I spent too much time focused on problems and not solutions. To my detriment, turned to someone who got down in my hole of self-pity with me instead of helping me out. Finally, there was far too much thinking and not enough action. Even if the only thing I did was meditate, that would have cleared my mind-space for more positive thought.

Quite often we shut ourselves out from the game before we even get into the arena. Imagine for a moment, we are standing on the corner down the street thinking about the problems, the visions, the goals and the obstacles. We haven't even arrived at the gate! Is it acceptable to dwell on the thoughts "I'm depressed," "I'm overwhelmed," "I can't do it"? No! I have learned how to coach myself. We have to coach ourselves.  I’m not talking about the nice life coach that costs a million dollars a session; I’m talking about the loud coach with the whistle and spittle.  Get in your own face.

I think to myself. If I am not physically impaired, if no one is holding me down, if I have the use of my mind, I can get it done. I think about the athletes who manage to do remarkable things with their bodies. I am training and conditioning to do something as remarkable with my mind. When I begin to resist myself and the things I need to take to achieve my goals, I get really raw with myself.

Things my inner coach says to get my A in gear:

If you do not do this right now, today when will it get done? What else do you have to do that is more important than realize the vision? Your feelings are not going to get it done; action and work is going to get it done!

The pain and the resistance means you are making progress!You are

almost there! Hold it, keep pushing forward just a little longer! Don't

give up!

You tired?! You haven't even made it to the board room! You don't even have a contract to negotiate! Get real and do something or stop lying to yourself.

How bad do you want it? What does your dream mean to you? Is it worth fighting for?

At the end of the day, achieving my goals Is my only real option. The other choice is to give up and die inside. As long as I am breathing, I will do something that will take me closer to my vision. It is that simple. I do not worry about what other people say or think. If they are not trying to help me, they get tuned out. I love what the comedian Katt Williams said about that situation. He said in the face of haters and dream destroyers to "tune in to your STAR PLAYER." My star player  is me. I am my greatest supporter and motivator. I will not say that I do not need anyone or need help because I certainly do. What I emphasize here is that the source of our success lies within us. We have to want it more than anyone wants it for us.

To draw another analogy: this process is like being a recovering failure. There may be times when we fall off of the wagon and take a hit of self-pity, but there is nothing nor anyone who can save us from the sickness but us.