Normal is not being the same. Normal is not making everyone else feel unthreatened around you. Normal is not withholding the truth in a room full of lies. Normal is your individual state of balance and peace. It is being who you were born to be--perfect and whole.
I have experienced the pressure to be normal. Children and adults alike in my life have urged me not to be me but to align my actions with the actions of others. If I were putting myself or others in danger that would make sense, but my words and actions were simply different and disruptive to the deafening silence of normality.
The desire to be normal may be a result of not wanting to stand out, the desire to fit in, or the need to feel included. Human behavior and healthy emotional development dictates that we socialize with others. The need to be loved and accepted cannot take priority over accepting and loving oneself. But that is hard to do if parents or family members make it their business to normalize creative spirits before these unique beings have a chance to blossom.
Sometimes we are born into families and communities that do not welcome individuals who stand out and shine brighter than the rest. It’s funny how people love exceptional humans who make it in the world, but will often be guilty of tearing down the ones in their very own families. What we sometimes forget is that normal is not special. Normal does not change the world. If we want to evolve, we have to allow the weird ones to be weird. The more we love them, the more they flourish and create.
If the weird ones survive childhood and adolescence, they should fiercely defend their weirdness and not be sidetracked by pleasing normal people. Some people are uncomfortable when confronted with anything different and will defend the banality of their existence instead of embracing growth and change. That is their problem and their plight which the weird ones should not have to suffer under.
Every human being should be free to be the unique presence he or she was born as. Being what feels good is all the normal a person should need to be. I encourage the unique ones to remain focused when criticized and recognize that the critics are simply voicing their discomfort at not feeling free to be themselves.
The wonderful thing about aging is the discovery that there are infinite opportunities to learn and grow. My latest epiphany was the realization that the only problems that exist are the problems I perceive in my mind. I was going to an event and I knew that I was going to see an individual there. In my mind, I created an entire scenario and became agitated at the thought of attending the event. Luckily, I stopped myself before I went in and I determined to keep an open mind. Once inside the event, I inevitably ran into the person I dreaded seeing, and that person was who he always is. The difference was that I chose not to accept it as a problem. It did not affect me because I did not allow it to. As simple as that.
Have you ever tried to disappoint yourself before anybody else could? Sure you have. Whenever you predict that someone will turn you down or reject you, you just did it for yourself before anybody else could. People who are used to disappointment often hurt themselves before others can or they prepare themselves for disappointment before encounters to alleviate the hurt they believe they will experience. I became aware of this and the affect of this self-sabotaging habit on my relationships. I have to be aware of my thoughts and stop myself when I begin to prepare for imagined disappointment.
To overcome this habit, I also have to re-live unpleasant memories of the times I have been profoundly hurt and disappointed. I remember and observe the child I was and understand the incident as an adult. I work through it for as long and as many times as I have to so that the pain is appropriately placed, in the past. When I was a toddler, I remember how my mom would get dressed to go out. It was so exciting to see her look so glamorous, but that heart-wrenching feeling of sadness as she walked out the door broke my heart. I always felt left behind and rejected. All my life I carried the dread of people leaving me behind. I began leaving people before they could leave me. I would go to events and leave early every time. When I go to church, I leave early. Friends never have to tell me to leave because I am out before we even get comfortable. I am so good at leaving relationships that I call myself an escape artist. Not funny at all.
How do I change this habit? How do I release myself from this prison? I train my mind to see solutions, not problems. I approach life as if every situation will work out in my favor...even after someone says no...even after it does not have the result I imagined. What I have come to appreciate is that when a situation appears one way, it is actually unfolding beyond my control to result in a greater blessing and a divine circumstance than I could have ever created on my own.
We experience disappointment and hurt feelings when we hold on to our thoughts of how things should be. We cannot get stuck on the way we think it should be; we have to let go and work with the way things are. If the way things are does not serve us, we do not have to entertain it. We do not have to accept another person's negativity. All we can do is acknowledge the issue and focus on solutions. That is the key. The current state of being may not be our ideal but the only way out is to keep our minds focused and engaged in the answer to the issue. It is not a problem until our minds identify the experience as such.
The social climate in the US is scorching. People are rightfully passionate, and even angry. Some of us have taken to the streets, while others are putting their minds together on social media and in meeting rooms to strategize the next steps in the struggle. The important discussion to have with ourselves and with each other is, if what is happening in our society is what I do not want, then what do I want to see in its place?
We get so caught up reacting to what it is that we do not want, that we give little or no energy to thinking about what it is we really want to experience. If we do not do the work of planning to successfully change injustice with what we need, then we should expect very little to no change. Besides, investing precious energy and time in solutions is much more productive than complaining or becoming a victim.
Can we allow ourselves to see the reality we want and free ourselves from the paralyzing images played out on the television? Some people find it difficult to entertain the thoughts and mental images they truly desire; they even resist. We are so comfortable saying what we do not want or do not like, but sometimes articulating what we want or receiving what we want can be challenging. When we see situations that we do not like or experience feelings that make us feel uncomfortable, our first reaction has to be to immediately hold the image in our minds of what it is we want.
The vision I have is:
a world where ALL people are treated with respect and dignity
a world where EVERY child grows up feeling loved and protected
a world where women and elders are valued
a world where the greatest conflict we witness are people’s personal struggles to free themselves of mental and spiritual bondage
I don’t want to use the word daydream, but I encourage the imagining and the visioning that allows our minds to create what may not be in front of us. We cannot afford to remain locked in the nightmare created by megalomaniacs who program us through broadcast television and cable/satellite shows. The world’s greatest natural resource is our minds. No one person can lead us to the promised land. We individually and collectively have to have a vision that begins when we hold the thought and image in our minds.
I believe in you. I believe in the infinite potential of the majority of people in this world who desire peace.
Since I found myself in a slump for the past two weeks, I pulled up a book I had downloaded on my iPad two years ago. I listened to the audiobook about ten years ago and four years ago I read the book. Completing the exercises in the workbook is a totally different experience.
Doing the work is a much more fulfilling activity than simply reading about doing the work. This is the reason why we should equip ourselves with as much arsenal as possible in the war against stagnation. For me, it is a fight, but one worth getting into because this is my life. I'm not going down without a fight. I'm not going down, period.
It is possible to go overboard with the self-help books, tapes, workshops, lectures, etc. So, if more information is being taken in than is being processed, then I would say it is time to slow down. Take a minute to practice and apply tools before picking new ones up.
When I was three, I was at a pool party with my grandparents. It was a wonderful night; there were all kinds of people and, incredibly, they noticed me and made me feel special. There was a magic show, and I remember having a front-row seat with my grandparents. The Magician picked me to participate in his act, and when I was about to approach him, my grandmother pulled me back. Her action was imperceptible to everyone but me. No one understood why I did not go forward; I was confused and did not know what to do. All I knew was that my grandmother’s action led me to believe that I should not participate. The magician chose a half-dozen other kids; I watched as they received prizes, toy balloons and had the best time I had ever seen kids have. That disappointment set so deep inside of me.
Throughout my life there were so many times that I hesitated and was passed over. Every time that feeling of disappointment and sadness seethed inside of me. There were times, however, that I was able to bypass that programming and act. The swim instructor challenged me to jump from the 12-foot diving board into the deep end of the olympic-size pool. The only hesitation there was, was me telling myself to go for it. It took years for me to become comfortable acting without hesitation. My first impulse is still to stop and wait before I do anything or make any decision. I have to consciously keep myself present and ready to act.
One day, I want to be able to respond to the situation or request without hesitation and without doubt. I work to stop beating myself up about that flaw. Instead, I try to approach this condition of hesitation another way--turn every experience into an adventure. I challenge myself daily to live fully, boldly and without fear. The world has become my amusement park. There is a thrill waiting around every corner and every situation as long as I live up to the challenge of no hesitation.
This past week presented me the opportunity to share in the transformational experiences of sisters in my community. It has been in the forefront of my consciousness that there are numbers of people who are hurting, yet our society encourages us to present our strong and happy fronts at all times. Even the articles in this blog focus primarily on staying connected with the power within us. Truth be told, we never know the true power until we allow ourselves to be weak.
I am glad and proud that these women were brave enough to be vulnerable, to bare their souls so that they may begin to heal. Everyone has a story and a struggle. Not to diminish anyone’s experience, but no matter how rich, poor, aesthetically ideal or not, the challenges we face are relative to our threshold for growth and the accompanying discomfort.
Before I became a fierce warrior woman, I routinely fought depression. My childhood left scars that I did not know how to begin to heal for the longest. By sheer will fueled with anger, I managed to accomplish far more than anyone thought I could. When the anger no longer became useful, I participated in psychological counseling.
Thankfully, my mother was available to facilitate my healing. On several occasions, she would help me remember the details of my childhood that I had blocked out. She was there to apologize and make me look at the rage eye to eye. My dad too has been open and useful in walking with me down that emotional path I reluctantly go. I realize that everyone does not get blessed with parents who make themselves available to that healing process and atone for the contributions they make.
What I have learned is that healing begins with forgiveness. It did not take me long to realize that I am forgiving myself for holding on to people, thoughts, and emotions that do not serve me. No matter how wrong my parents were, they were entirely at liberty to extend to me an apology, or not. I was freed from a mental prison when I released them. I came to the understanding that they did the best they could under the circumstances. They were growing up too and made quite a few mistakes, but their intentions were honorable. From that experience, I become a stronger more resilient young woman.
Consider for a moment, before this modern era and industrialization, people relied on healers, ritual, and family to heal their feelings or emotions. There was far more touching in the form of laying on of hands, hugging, holding hands and such. People did rituals that brought together the unseen to influence the seen world in a way that made sense to them. More often than not, there was always someone around: family members in multigenerational households, friends and community. This new world made us fiercely independent and often alienated from ourselves. These days we rely on psychologists, psychiatrists, counselors, and life coaches to connect us to the answers that lie within us. Interestingly enough, our modern support systems all come at a monetary cost. Few people trust their families or friends. The courts are filled with families who fight bitterly.
My heart goes out to those individuals who find themselves locked into a personal hell of their past. From my vantage point all they have to do is let go. I let go and stopped regretting a past I did not have control over. I let go of feelings about situations that I could not logically take responsibility for. I let go of thoughts, reactions, and emotions that did not match my current living situation. It is easier said than done. It takes practice, it takes bravery and it takes strength.
Guess what? Many people have had truly traumatic experiences and have found a way to grow and excel beyond the expectations of the people and environments who limited them. I used to think about the ancestors whose lives were not their own, who suffered at the whims of people who tried to rob them of their humanity. I think of the ways they triumphed despite the daily attack on their spirit and psyche that told them they were nothing and would remain nothing. Those ancestors somehow reared generations of people who became leaders, innovators, visionaries and catalysts of change around the world.
I figured, if Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglass had the spirit to overcome physical and mental obstacles, I could accomplish some of the same with more resources.
When the new year begins, I'm so excited about the goals I set and the possibilities I see in my mind's eye. During a good year, I don't hit the blahs until around May/June. This year caught me struggling to remain positive about the struggle as soon as February.
Think about it. What is it that is really keeping us from accomplishing our goals? Short of someone physically preventing us from moving forward, there is NOTHING stopping us from doing what we want with our lives.
No money? Find a way to make it.
No resources? Ask someone or seek out the people who can point in the right direction.
No education? Go to the library.
No clue? Ask somebody.
No energy? Eat right.
Bad health? As long as there is life, there is another opportunity to share the thought so that something can be done with it.
I can go on, but I will not.
For every excuse there is a solution. At the end of the day, our thoughts and our feelings about our situation provide the obstacles. Please accept this: WE ARE WHERE WE ARE RIGHT NOW BECAUSE WE ALLOW OUR THOUGHTS OR OUR FEELINGS TO PUT US HERE. Consider this scenario: I woke up this morning and when I thought about all of the things I need to do and the the problems I have to address, I felt defeated. I was tired even before I got out of bed. I asked myself "what is the point?" My grandfather asked me what am I going to do, my checking account is close to $0 and none of the employers I reached out to have responded. All day I thought about it and tried to figure out what to do. I got on the phone and talked about it to my friend who was having similar challenges. By the time I put my son to bed, I was mentally and physically exhausted but had done very little.
The problem with the above scenario is that there was no mention of waking up with a sense of gratitude for having another opportunity to get it right, despite what might have happened the day before. I spent too much time focused on problems and not solutions. To my detriment, turned to someone who got down in my hole of self-pity with me instead of helping me out. Finally, there was far too much thinking and not enough action. Even if the only thing I did was meditate, that would have cleared my mind-space for more positive thought.
Quite often we shut ourselves out from the game before we even get into the arena. Imagine for a moment, we are standing on the corner down the street thinking about the problems, the visions, the goals and the obstacles. We haven't even arrived at the gate! Is it acceptable to dwell on the thoughts "I'm depressed," "I'm overwhelmed," "I can't do it"? No! I have learned how to coach myself. We have to coach ourselves. I’m not talking about the nice life coach that costs a million dollars a session; I’m talking about the loud coach with the whistle and spittle. Get in your own face.
I think to myself. If I am not physically impaired, if no one is holding me down, if I have the use of my mind, I can get it done. I think about the athletes who manage to do remarkable things with their bodies. I am training and conditioning to do something as remarkable with my mind. When I begin to resist myself and the things I need to take to achieve my goals, I get really raw with myself.
Things my inner coach says to get my A in gear:
If you do not do this right now, today when will it get done? What else do you have to do that is more important than realize the vision? Your feelings are not going to get it done; action and work is going to get it done!
The pain and the resistance means you are making progress!You are
almost there! Hold it, keep pushing forward just a little longer! Don't
give up!
You tired?! You haven't even made it to the board room! You don't even have a contract to negotiate! Get real and do something or stop lying to yourself.
How bad do you want it? What does your dream mean to you? Is it worth fighting for?
At the end of the day, achieving my goals Is my only real option. The other choice is to give up and die inside. As long as I am breathing, I will do something that will take me closer to my vision. It is that simple. I do not worry about what other people say or think. If they are not trying to help me, they get tuned out. I love what the comedian Katt Williams said about that situation. He said in the face of haters and dream destroyers to "tune in to your STAR PLAYER." My star player is me. I am my greatest supporter and motivator. I will not say that I do not need anyone or need help because I certainly do. What I emphasize here is that the source of our success lies within us. We have to want it more than anyone wants it for us.
To draw another analogy: this process is like being a recovering failure. There may be times when we fall off of the wagon and take a hit of self-pity, but there is nothing nor anyone who can save us from the sickness but us.
